i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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