I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
