Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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