I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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