I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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