fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
