do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
