Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize