The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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