hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
