hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
