Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Boobs are out for the taking
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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