Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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