My liver just broke up with me...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
