I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I CAN MOONWALK!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
