when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
whose parrot is this?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
