On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
