Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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