4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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