Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize