your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
