Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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