Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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