if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
