When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just invented taco cereal.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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