That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
