im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
