Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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