You just made me feel so damn special
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
