so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
