Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
