Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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