Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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