Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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