go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
