I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
