I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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