If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
