Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
