im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I supernannyed him into submission
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
