I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
