Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
