Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
