i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
