i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
