You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
