just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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