Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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