I just threw up on my dentist
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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