Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
