In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
birth control should be required to get into college
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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