John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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