there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
