First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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