you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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