I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
