dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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