I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
